I wanted the first piece I publish to be about something completely honest and raw. Maybe this will be the first step in coming to terms with my 'unproudest' moment.
It starts in Yr 10, when I had just moved to a new high-school. Moving to a new school where everything and everyone seemed so foreign I made it my top priority to quickly find a friend group or 'clique' that I could become a part of. I decided the best way to do this was by doing what I'm best at - sports. I joined a few school sporting teams including the basketball, rugby and swim team and immediately found myself welcomed by people that I to this day call my friends and close mates. So in a similar manner when the opportunity arose to audition for the school musical "Thoroughly Modern Millie", I jumped at it. Performing always has and always will be a medium of expression and storytelling that I find absolutely mesmerising, and back then, the opportunity to be a part of my first ever performing opportunity seemed too good to be true.
I auditioned for a lead role and was told that they had a specific character for me to play. The teacher who had decided to direct the musical approached me and asked me how I felt playing the character of "Ching Ho", the brother of "Bun foo" which a Chinese student had already landed the role of. I was overjoyed! At the time I had just started to realise the importance of proper and respectful representation, and being at a school where Asian students were a scarcity it seemed only right that, even if I wasn't Chinese, it would be better for me to play the character than some other kid.
So far, so good right? Well things started to take a turn. A few weeks into rehearsals I noticed an emerging pattern. The parts that my character Ching ho and my on-stage brother Bun Foo were getting, were more often than not merely comedic reliefs where the audience would laugh at pronunciation errors or would perform slapstick style comedy that came from failing to understand English directions or instructions. I was wary of what character I was portraying and decided to bring up my concern with the teacher that was directing. My concern was brushed off. I was told that this was an artistic piece that was created in a different social context to our current society and that it didn't matter, but that I was doing an awesome job at playing the character, that I had so much potential. When a teacher that you used to look up to tells you this, it makes you think, maybe I am overreacting, maybe I am being oversensitive. I decided to carry on playing the comic-relief character to the best of my abilities.
As rehearsals continued and we got deeper into the musical I realised that the more I accentuated the Chinese accent, and the more pathetic and undignified I made my character look the bigger the roar of laughter I got from my peers. Teachers I never had praised me in the hallways as I moved between classes, congratulating me and telling me that they had heard "great things" about me from the director, even other students I had never previously spoken said that I was "so good" from what they had seen as they passed by the windows during our rehearsals.
Fast forward a couple months and it was show time. The first show went amazingly, audience roaring of laughter at every accent fumble, misunderstanding and slapstick comedy that I did. Second night? Even better. The confidence from the first show fuelling my confidence to go above and beyond. Third and final show? Smashed it. If there's one way to find out about who the audience's favourite character is, wait for the curtain call and listen to which character the audience cheers for the loudest. I can confidently say that my cheer was twice as loud as all the other leads combined. For the first time in my life, I was looking out at a sea of white faces and felt accepted. It felt amazing. But this is what makes me that much more ashamed of myself.
After the final show I went out into the foyer to thank people for coming and take photos with people. That's when on the far side of the foyer I saw a family. An Asian family who I am almost certain is of Chinese descent. The mother was desperately trying keep her two kids from running around, but their father stood stoic staring at me. I was confused but shook it off and continued to do my rounds taking photos and thanking people for coming.
After three intense days of being the centre of attention in-front of thousands of people topped off by a wild after party I was knackered. I jumped into bed and expected for sleep to come over me instantly. Funnily enough sleep never came. Instead, even in my exhausted state, I couldn't shake the image of the stare that the Chinese man in the foyer with the wife and kids had given me. Thinking about it now, the whole encounter wasn't long at all. Maybe only a second at best. But the look that the man gave me wasn't one of anger, nor was it disappointment. It was sadness.
And as shameful as it is to admit it the damage had been well and truly done. I still kick and refuse to forgive myself that me of all people, someone that has been for most if not all of their life, on the receiving end of racism, I had not only facilitated but encouraged people to tread all over the dignity of not just Chinese but Asian culture as a whole. And at what cost? That I'd be congratulated by some random in the hallways? Because I thought I'd be cool if i could make them laugh, and laugh too. It seems that at the time, that was more than enough of an incentive. A fair trade between the dignity of an entire race of people to be given a pat on the back by a stranger.
So to the man, and to the rest of the Asian community, whether you were in attendance or not. I can only imagine just how excruciating it would have been to see me sell out one of the most beautiful, diverse and intricate cultures to exist, and see I couldn't careless. And for that I apologise.
I would also like to take this time to make known just one more thing. A year after this all happening, I overheard the director speaking to her colleague about how our particular musical was chosen to be staged. I can't remember the names, but the school was given the three choices to get the license to. One wasn't chosen because it was deemed racist towards black people by the director herself. The other one denied as it depicted a LGBTQ character which didn't align with the beliefs of a catholic school, and so there was really only one option. The musical with the LGBTQ character is a whole different conversation that deserves its own treatment. However, what I found interesting was that the director had the ability to distinguish racism yet still pursued to put on Thoroughly Modern Millie. I was furious!
But all it took was a few deep breaths to realise the even more heartbreaking reality. That it wasn't that she didn't pick up on the racism, but it was more so that she couldn't. It just goes to show how widely accepted casual racism against Asians have become in our modern world.
I mean, maybe that Will Jay song "I Can Only Write My Name" about growing up Asian in a predominantly white country has a point. The lyrics "Maybe I just never had a hero I could look up to" and "It's hard to see yourself as Superman when he looks nothing like you" has a sad but truthful point. But it doesn't have to. Ane we can fix that. We'll be our own Superman.
So this is what I think,
First of all. Stop letting people walk all over you. An when I say people, I mean the people that say they're your peers and friends but stand there and make fun of you, doing the accents that I'm sure your own parents or grandparents have. Don't laugh along and validate it. I mean, sure some people might think you're 'uncool' or whatever but so what? Might actually help you filter out who your real friend really are!
Secondly, this is for the people that don't say anything and keep quiet. You're not doing anyone, any good by keeping your head down. I know it's scary and takes courage to speak out and stand your ground, but your silence validate their attacks, and it's doing just as much harm as those that promote it.
Next, the people that are saying stuff like "I'm Asian so it's okay" or "nah that one was funny". Check yourself . How dare you make a joke out of your own people. Then you go out into society and wonder why people treat us crap and look down on us like the scum of the earth, or wonder why elderly Asians are getting beaten up "as a joke" on the streets for collecting cans. That's on you.
And finally, we're gonna stop saying stuff like, or referring to ourselves using the same derogatory words that we are attacked with. I can't count how many times I've heard Asians say phrases like "I'd never date an Asian", "I'm actually a Banana, yellow on the outside but white on the inside" or "wow I look Asian in that picture" - acting like they aren't Asian themselves. What you say and do. How you hold yourself. The level of respect you treat yourself with sets the tone of how others will treat us.
Look, I get it. I understand better than anyone that its a coping mechanism we've grown to acquire and a guaranteed fast-pass to being accepted and liked by others in a western society - trust me, I know. But if theres one thing I've learnt, it's that there is no degree of acceptance worth trading your dignity and self-respect for. We're gonna have some self-confidence. We're also gonna have some cultural pride. And we're gonna march at the beat of our own drum.
Remember, you're the face of one of the of the worlds most beautiful cultures and traditions in the world and the immediate result of some of the greatest sacrifices and acts of love ever made. So it's about damn time we start acting like it.
